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Home » Poetry » Issue 3 » Please Pardon My God Complex

Please Pardon My God Complex


As I set foot in this astral plane riddled with deprivation and pain, my mind thought it knew exactly where I was. In the midst of it all however in front of me stood a gluttonous battalion commanded by he who has all but wants more still. A fulfilled life he must live, one that not even I can comprehend for I have been in his shoes, with many who followed hoping mine was a glorious crusade.

A life I was prepared to leave behind no matter who the dust hit in the face, so my sword was drawn. How I was going to face an army was a mystery yet to be solved. It was pure madness, of that I am sure. Perhaps, it’s because I think too much of myself or it is because I am eager to prove myself to a world that never dared notice me and perhaps this was the moment I was made for. How could I have possibly known though, because facing greed was like facing the mirror and surviving the trauma of striking myself down required something greater than man.

In this moment of realization, I transcended. I became better than man, I became lighter, less burdened, and less angry. The ground shook for the battle had begun and I laid waste to the lot of them. I saw fear in the eyes of those who remained and emptiness in those of those who had fallen victim to my wrath. It satisfied me and as I hoisted my sword against greed, I saw myself once more in his shiny armour and without haste, he offered me what he knew had taken away… my focus, gold. He salvaged all from his fallen comrades and shared it with me and we went our separate ways.


I had massacred an entire army of selfish buffoons, but I had failed to kill the message therefore the battle had been lost. Greed had bested me, and I had failed to better myself. Now that I was with wealth and nothing else, my tainted sinful mind was at ease, I pity my poor ego, not knowing that the quest had only begun, drowned in pleasure and splendour.

Nothing from the market nor pub could fill the empty dwelling that resided within me, and I thought to myself if it was the only thing I was unable to declare, love, but my heart had been shattered in past battles, how could it have resurfaced without warning? I felt betrayed. I felt doomed to roam the world alone, no doubt it would shape how I perceive it, one big brothel. Who cares if it kills? It sounds like death by a wonderful ordeal. With all the war experience I had gained, I still had yet to identify my next adversary, I reckon it would be impossible for anyone to see while blindfolded with expensive lingerie. The assassin that is lust needed no sword of steel to strike me down. Her presence alone would see me be my own end. I felt trapped in a vicious cycle that felt too good to break.

In that moment of clarity, I knew I wasn’t home, and I needed wings to return. I had to become a vessel for a higher power and in his grace, I showered. I became lighter, more focused and calmer. In lust’s eyes I saw shame and disgust, I was satisfied with it, and I knew once more that I wasn’t better than man and my wings were cut off. As I fell to the earth, I found myself in the arms of yet another stranger. A casual mistress who would remind me that I am human.


My body withered from the erotic escapades I could have hindered, and I couldn’t be less proud of myself. Loneliness was my best excuse, until it wasn’t. I saw her in a crowded place. She was fully clothed but still caught my eye beyond earthly fabrics. I wondered if I would be good enough after all she looked like someone without fault and incapable of fault, yet I was filled with rot nevertheless I couldn’t risk never seeing her again, so I approached. She was welcoming and because of her smile, mine blossomed. Her shimmering eyes are why mine were blinded and I never suspected that it could be because she never intended for me to see her true nature, the devil in tight jeans and high tops, the deceiver I was willing to believe, eager even. When they told me who she really was, I was quick to conclude that they envied what I had found, happiness in the church of her heart. Believe me when I say our love felt like art, something only a species of such a purity as ours would be able to achieve but when I saw her with another, I knew of my duty I had been relieved for her true nature had been revealed.

In that moment of heartache, I became worse than man, I tapped into the Old Testament wrath. I became heavier, more burdened, angrier. I fell beyond the realm of forgiveness, so I vowed to ruin those who had ruined me. What she saw in him I didn’t know but what I had to do would surely bring about my eternal fall. Up until now I still lick the wounds from this battle for I haven’t loved and I’m not sure if I ever will.


As my heart desiccated, my love for humanity faded and my faith was tested. Why would he let me suffer like this? Is he even real? Can I take his place? Scary questions indeed but I still felt like asking more, even scarier for this was my darkest period yet. I couldn’t recognize myself and I made friends with all the demons I had battled in the past. It felt great to be reacquainted with lust, obviously greed was at the same bar. Boy did we drink and paint the town red ravaging everything in our path and enchanting spells from the grimoires of Christianity’s past.

In that moment of oblivion, I realized that the world was about to cut off my tongue and brand my back “heretic” a free thinking one at that. I had to become better than man once again and harness the power of redemption and so I did. I freed deception from my mind, something mere man isn’t capable of. I had risen back to my original rank of stillness and unity. Blasphemy was disappointed in me and in his eyes hatred and anger were shown to me, two fires that had been swallowed and contained by a greater hell, screaming for reprieve. I felt for them all and for the first time I wasn’t stripped down of my newly found abilities for I had truly defeated an enemy and had risen above Man.


I woke up the next morning feeling like I had earned the breath I was drawing, a new man I had become, eager to see what that bountiful day had in store. Perhaps a new nemesis or a new lover, one I would hold dear to me for eternity. I was almost swallowed whole by the pain of having to imagine such happiness. I began to wonder if I was even made for this world or if the rope would be my only way out. Perhaps, but I knew that it wasn’t to be my concern for the rest of the day. The world seemed happy for a change, everyone knew where they belonged and why they belonged there. Everyone but me, yet I hold myself in high regard, mankind’s torch if you must.

In that moment of transparency, I found myself wondering where such pride had come from, was it to be my next adversary in a battle I knew nothing of for I would be battling myself. The answer was to rise above man one last time, this time it would have to mean something, it would have to reveal my true path, the one I am to take not the one that was taken for me by others. I assured myself that I had what it takes to become a true individual, disconnected from anything and anyone. I became lighter, more confident, more aware of my surroundings. Doubt smiled at me from a distance for he knew I had bested him. In his eyes I saw envy because he knew he now had to live under me and not above me. For the first time ever, I recognized my efforts and I found peace. I had become the very best of mankind, immortal.


A life without break is not worth living, now imagine having to wonder who had uttered such simple words that hold water because you would be alone and stuck in delirium in a world filled with sleepy people, that’s how one feels a lack of belonging, how one is known to be lost but never too lost because how is it the monsters that come out to play at night always seem to find me wanting and as much as I may want to resist I know I’ll always find my way down the rabbit hole.
This is a tale riddled with the worst of the worst, that which hinders the best of the best, imagine following your dreams, scary stuff indeed because the real world exists to control us. Forgive me if I provoke you but let me ask you what holds more worth to you, the teacher or the teaching. On this day I encountered my very first teaching, a world without overreaching, just doing and being. At the very least that’s what I thought and for the prize the contestants fought. To them, peace wasn’t even a resort. I couldn’t be part of such savagery because you see I blossomed, bloomed and broke free from being buried beneath a billion boulders of fear, a fear of the unknown and the known. A fear of being known, so I hid myself in protective armour only to become insecure and my proclivities were born to serve as a cure. All that was left was me and the darkness that had held me captive for years, backed up in a corner and the only thing I knew was a sensation of just being terrified because everything would be the matter. Such an impeccable inferiority complex.

In that moment of cowardice, I found myself running, from nowhere to nowhere and from nothing but myself. I had convinced myself that I wasn’t home and that everyone around me meant to do me harm. Granted, I am to blame but I have seen many tortured by society to an extent where life was no longer an option, I , myself have felt the blunt end of man’s ire, anger is an unquenchable fire, peace is my desire until the day I retire. The only way out of the fire is to give into the heat of the moment, only then can you feel the true power of surrender, a cleansing light and there would be nothing left to fear for it would have already devoured you. What’s left is to do what you always dream of.


It is the birth of a new day that revitalizes man, rejuvenates the soul, mends the broken heart and the shattered mind. However, I had yet to indulge myself in the presence of a new day because I had one that still needed to be finished. Nonetheless, shadows were bested and what lied ahead was only the evening revelry in which I had to partake. The world was beside me, accepting and loving of me for i had put on a show of bravery earlier on. My cunning wit and the ability to become better whenever it was required of me were also traits they had no option but to adore. I now knew what ascension felt like so I craved for more, I became addicted to hearing the echoes of my name in every corridor I walked and that paved a path darker, even than that of most man. I became obsessed with wanting to feel that divine essence everywhere I went, being merely a mortal just wasn’t enough.

In that moment that I may have seemed to lack in moderation, I realized that the same world that had pampered me and celebrated my name recently had now turned its back on me. I knew something was wrong so in order for me to find out what, I also turned my back on the world not because I wanted to live a life of solitude but rather to better acquaint myself to it. The hunt had begun, I had to search deep within for this to be a success, so I laid bait. In the trap the beast got caught and it looked just like me and I knew I had to strike my ego down. Little did I know that this would set me on a course for perfection. A fate I possibly could never handle because I’d have to teach it once I understood it, once men understand it as well, they will crave for more as I do and will end up seeing that no one is really that perfect, the end of a world. My ego had swayed me to spare its life. The reason why I know I can do more for the world but still choose to do less and less every day. Perhaps I am meant to be like that and just like that the hunt had been won.

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